I read a friend's blog tonight about motherhood... mostly about the hardships of motherhood. I think she's right... not a lot of people talk, let alone blog, about how hard it is to be a mom. It can be boring and lonely and frustrating.
But I was thinking in bed tonight about being a mom and I couldn't sleep. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I ate a sandwich about 20 minutes ago and need to digest! Yes, I like the midnight snacks!
I get really frustrated with discipline issues. I'm not sure how to really discipline Cameron. I put him in timeouts and I think they're starting to have a little impact on him. (He used to just run to timeout--our hallway-- like it was his favorite spot!) I have a tough time when he throws tantrums and I can't figure out a way to reason with him or even know what he wants or needs. I have a hard time when he's sick for weeks on end. I get bored being a mom sometimes.
But as I laid in bed tonight, I became so grateful for him and for this little baby inside. When we were deciding to have another baby, Chad was really the cheerleader. I was so hesitant... it was way back in Feb. of last year and Cameron was only 9 months old! But I also knew how much work it would be for me and what it would do to my body again (I was still losing weight at that point... oh those glorious days!). I finally asked Chad, "Why do you want another baby so badly?" And he told me it was because Cameron made him... and us... so happy. I had to think about it, but he was (and is) right.
Cameron is hilarious. I love that kid. He runs in circles and sings songs with me when I'm trying to get him to calm down for his nap. I'll ask him a question and he answers with "yeah" like he's a teenager. He's pretty obedient and will do what I ask-- for the most part. He's really sweet. And I think I have more sympathy for him since his hair is really short (could it be that he looks ill?!). :)
Having a child and becoming a mom has changed my life. And I would say it was for the better. Sometimes I wish I could be working right now-- just to do something different. But I know I would be wishing I could be home with Cameron (and baby girl Shorter-- we still need to get a name!). My life can seem monotonous, but my life has always been that way-- even at a job. I've never been on a career path. I always knew I would be a mom and stay at home with my kids. I obviously didn't know what that would entail, but I knew working up the corporate ladder wasn't for me.
I think one of the greatest things about being a mom is being able to see such little changes take place in your kids. I went through about a gazillion tubs of clothes that Cameron has yesterday, trying to salvage what Cameron wore for this little girl-- things that would be girl-worthy. Some outfits, I could never remember Cameron wearing. Did he get it right before he grew into a bigger size? But there were some outfits that brought back a lot of memories for me. And it was a bittersweet few hours I spent going through those things. I'm so excited about who he has become already. And I do miss him as a baby.
I would love to be that mother who has it all together... clean house, plans great outings and activities, reads the scriptures all the time, makes great meals, and is never mean to her kids. But I know that's not possible. I can't be perfect. I guess I'm just going to do my best and pray a lot! And try to enjoy Cameron and this little girl when she comes.
